Waiting on time.

I want to be happy. I want to wrap myself in this wonderful news and breathe it in. But I'm terrified. Terrified that the moment I let my guard down this gift will be taken away. 

If i have learned anything in my almost 52 years it is that time passes.  Quickly when I'm happy, painfully slow when I am not. I will wait time out. Wait till I can be happy.  And I so want to be happy again. 

Please, please, please...

Received some news.
Something positive.
I don't want to jinx it.
Please, please, please work out.

Fake it till I make it.

Rough night.  Tossed, turned, then tossed again.
I went over in my mind all of the things that I have to be grateful for, all the positives in my life.  
And there are a lot.  
And I am grateful.
But at the end of the day I'm simply not happy.  The joy is gone.
I loved having Harold stay with me.  Making new discoveries in his journey to communicate.  I even loved staying up all night desperately trying to fix his vantage lite.  And then finally, as the sun is rising, finding success and receiving the greatest reward; Harold's beaming smile.
I feel so incomplete, so useless.  And I know that feeling isn't always going to be here.  And I know I have to keep trying.  There are people in this world that need help, and I can still make a difference.  I have to stay motivated.  I have to trust that somehow, as impossible as it seems, that joy will creep back into my life.  I just have to hang on long enough.

My Guy

I miss Harold.  It's been one year, one month, and twenty days since I held his hand for the last time.  My heart is just as empty today as it was then.  I feel like half of me went with him, the half of me that knew what it was to be happy, and now I just put on my mascara, and my lipstick, and my smile, and present my best face to the world, and it doesn't mean a thing.  Without Harold here it just doesn't mean anything.  I'm just killing time.